Who, How, and When to Trust: Finding Discernment Through Christ for Relationships

I have long history of failed trust. Whether it was believing my best interests were at heart with someone or trusting other people’s words to be their truth, I have found myself at times in tears because someone betrayed me. I learned throughout the years to build a fortress around my heart to ensure my own safety. However, through my own healing, I learned that walls were not what I needed, but, rather, l needed to learn who, how, and when to trust healthily.

Who to Trust

Many of us may have learned that trust is simply to be given. We should trust those who say they love us or care for us. We should trust those who claim the name of Christ and teach his truths. We should trust__________(you fill in the blank). And, in a healed and perfect world, this could be truth. However, that is not the case.

Part of my misguided trust in people was my own soul wounds. My longing for family, friends, and connection sometimes blinded my ability to see the truth before me. However, this does not negate the acts of betrayal received from others. Yet it provides understanding why we sometimes experience the pain we do.

In searching through scripture after another betrayal I experienced, God led me to Psalm 146:3, “Don’t put your trust in man, no matter who they are; for in them there is no salvation.” I remember reading this verse and having an “AHA” moment: I was placing people ahead of God. I was putting my trust in man instead of putting it in God to meet my needs and heal my wounds.

I began the arduous task of shifting who I trusted. For so long I held others to an expectation to do as God did: follow through with promises, love unconditionally, treat me as the “family” they said I was. I forgot to recognize the frailty of mankind. We are all capable of  hurting each other at times (intentionally or unintentionally) because we are human. I cannot place on others, what I cannot or will not do myself.

So, who can we trust? This is where discernment will be necessary. Not all people, whether they proclaim the name of Jesus or not, are deserving of your vulnerability, of your trust. Lysa Terkeurst in Good Boundaries and Goodbyes observes, “When their level of responsibility [in the relationship] is a zero, their level of access to you should also be a zero.” Vulnerability demands vulnerability. Therefore, if another is not offering it, there may be a good chance you should not be offering it either. Trust is not a slot machine. It is earned.

Some questions that can help you discern who to trust are the following:

1)        What am I seeking from this person, this relationship?

2)        What is this person seeking from me or this relationship?

3)        Are both parties respectful of boundaries?

While this is not a conclusive list, it can help us as we navigate current relationships and prepare for new ones.

How to trust

I always laugh at movies or tv shows where a questionable character asks, “Do you trust me?” or demands trust, “You are just going to have trust me.” The other person often goes with a blind trust because he or she believes it will provide safety or a better outcome. However, there is a reason that is just in the movies.

Blind trust often does not result in an utopian outcome as the movies would suggest. It is a type of trust where we may rationalize all we know of another person, environment, etc., or we may choose to find out nothing all, for the sake of connection. Either way, we place ourselves at risk for unhealthy relationships and outcomes.

Psalm 146:4 reminds us “…even our great leaders fail and fall; they too are just mortals who will one day die.” Because blind trust often leads us to focusing on man, when man fails us, we may find ourselves devastated, betrayed, angry and lonely. However, when we realize the truth of Psalm 146:4, we lessen the chance of being hurt.

While God does ask us to deny ourselves and follow him, it is not a blind trust. He has proven time and time again his faithfulness to us. For “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Man, on the other hand, has not always done so. Therefore, we must do as as Proverbs 4:7 states, “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.” James 1:5 also tells us that if we lack wisdom, we can ask God “who gives generously to all without finding fault…” God wants us to be wise in our choices, including our trust.

Considerations for being wise in who you trust include the following:

1)        Does this person exhibit a pattern of being trustworthy?

2)        Am I seeking something from a person, relationship, or environment that blinds me from the reality before me?

3)        Is someone requiring of me blind trust, yet my gut is telling me not to?

4)        Have I sought wisdom from God in trusting others, relationships, etc.? Is my focus on him or man?

Knowing who and how to trust is pivotal in trusting well. Also, knowing when to trust can offer clarity in the trust process.

When to Trust

It would be nice if there was a set time for trust to begin, where we would know that we are safe in doing so. Since there is not, implementing practical guidelines will lessen the chance of unhealthy and blind trust.

When we have experienced heartache or trauma, our defense mechanisms kick in and do what is necessary to keep us safe. Trusting can make us feel very uncomfortable because we do not want to be hurt again. However, to have relationships and connection, trust needs to be practiced.

First, to practice trust, we need to be aware of ourselves. What happens inside of us when we are met with a chance to trust? Fear, worry, anxiety? All feelings might be justified. Rather than try to deny those feelings, we need to be curious. When we honor ourselves in seeking to understand those feelings and from where they may originate, we have opportunity to practice discernment with our trust and know when to appropriately trust.

Secondly, as noted previously, vulnerability demands vulnerability. We do not want to share everything with all people. That is simply not safe. Rather, we want to be wise and allow for reciprocal vulnerability. We give a little and see what is given in return and how it is used.

Lastly, we need to acknowledge the reality of our relationships, environments and connections. While we may long for connection with others, some people are not safe to do so with even if it is family, life-long friends, or reputable environments. If we cannot be emotional, mentally, physically, or spiritually safe, now is not the time to trust. However, if healing and trustworthiness is practiced, then there may be an opportunity to trust slowly and healthily.

Final Thoughts

Trust is a bedrock for relationships, connections, and more. When we exercise healthy trust, we help build healthy relationships and connections. Implementing boundaries, acknowledging the reality of the relationships, and seeking wisdom can enable us to “…gain wisdom and instruction…for doing what is right and just” (Proverbs 1:2-3).

Challenge Questions:

1)        Explore times when you experienced a betrayal of trust. Were you able to heal from those betrayals? If so, how? If not, implement some of the tools today to help you heal.

2)        From the how, who, and when, what is the most difficult for you to discern? In what ways can you begin to develop discernment in those areas?

3)        Write a prayer that requests what you need in your relationships. Be real and raw with God. He can handle it.