Rejection: Four Steps to Overcome its Sting

When it happens, it is a shock every time. Maybe not as much as it was the first time, but it still has enough shock to sting. It can definitely wrestle us from a goodnight’s rest or draw us in to focus only on the sting. Rejection appears to be the wasp that never loses its stinger. We try to dodge it when we see it coming or simply remain hidden so as to never be hurt. However, to live the life we are dreaming of may require us to face our fear of rejection so that may move beyond mountains of uncertainty and receive more than human eyes can ever see.

Rejection

Rejection is not new to our world. In fact, a simple Google search shows that the first evidence of rejection was around 488-487 BCE when Hipparchus was ostracized. This practice was known as ostrakophoria, known now as ostracism. And it did not require much to be ostracized. A fixed meeting in midwinter would take place and any citizen entitled to vote could write down another person’s name to be ostracized and if a large number of people wrote the same name, then voila: the person would be ostracized.

Today, we do not even need a group of people. It can be one person, one family, one institution and the list could continue. Rejection has become a common practice in our society. We expect to be rejected. However, what we may not expect is the intensity of the feelings that come with that rejection. While the pain of rejection can certainly be real, what may prolong or intensify the pain is when we do not have the tools to navigate the pain.

How to Handle Rejection

                  A few days ago, I received a rejection for my book. But this rejection hit differently. It stung only for a moment and then I went on about my day. What made this one different for me? The tools I used to worth through it. What made it different can help us all navigate rejection.

1)        Rejection is not tied to our value or worth

It is easy to equate rejection with our worth and value. We assume at times, and for varying reasons, that if someone or something (i.e. business, church, etc.) rejects us then there must be something wrong with us, or we are not good enough. However, this is not truth.

With previous rejections, I equated the rejection with my worth making the sting of it so much more intense. However, this go around, I did not. I did not allow the rejection to tamper with my worth and value because I have shifted my truth. My truth is no longer, “You do not like me (or my work), so I have to prove my worth,” or “You do not like me, so there must be something wrong with me.” Instead, I have shifted my truths to reflect an eternal truth.

God calls us redeemed (Col. 1:13-14), loved (John 3:16), precious (Isaiah 43:4), and treasured (1 Peter 2:9). This has not changed in two thousand years, and it will not change today. We are his children, whom he has called to be his sons and daughters. Therefore, no rejection whether it be personal or business will change our value and worth as God has given it to us. These are truths we can hold to for eternity!

2)        Acknowledge the hurt

It hurts to be rejected. There is nothing fun about being left out, ridiculed, looked over, or ostracized. Once again, acknowledging this pain does not equate with we are not good enough. It means we are human.

Jesus is clear that “In this world you will have trouble…” (John 16:33). Rejection is a form of “trouble.” It troubles our hearts, minds, at times, even our bodies. It will sting. If we want to overcome the “trouble,” we must acknowledge it.

Acknowledging for me was, “Well, that sucks. It is disappointing. And I trust in God’s timing and purpose.” This is not spiritual bypass where I am using God to hide behind my pain. This is simple acknowledgement that he is in control and in his time the words he has given me to share will be shared. When the pain comes up, I honor it and continue to remind myself that he “he has overcome the world” (John 16:33). He will deliver the desires of my heart as he sees fit.

For you acknowledging the hurt may be “I’ve done everything you’ve asked. Where are you God?” “I thought he/she was the one!” or “Will this ever get better?” Sometimes, we are so fearful that God will reject us that we deny the hurt we feel. However, God is clear that we are his for eternity when we accept him as our Savior (Romans 10:10). He is not going to reject us because we acknowledge our hurt. Often when we acknowledge our pain, it is there that God does some of his greatest work.

 3)        Trust God to redeem the pain

This is a hard one. When we are in pain, we are most likely not thinking, “Oh wait. This is good because redemption for it is coming.” We are more likely thinking, “GET ME OUT OF THIS!” And we weren’t the first to proclaim this.

David wrestled with this throughout his life. He was rejected by Samuel (until God intervened), Saul, and mass rejections from kings and kingdoms. He even pens in Psalm 22,

“Why My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me,
    so far from my cries of anguish?
2 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
    by night, but I find no rest.

David understood the pain of rejection and acknowledged it. Then he trusted God to do what only God could, “He does not ignore those in trouble. He doesn’t hide from them but listens when they call out to him…People everywhere will remember and will turn to the Lord” (Psalm 22: 24, 27). David trusted God to redeem his trouble so that “everywhere will remember and will turn to the Lord.” David understood that acknowledging our pain does not negate the power of God. And in God’s power, God will redeem the pain of our rejection for his eternal purpose.

 4)    Hold two truths

 While our pain may have an eternal purpose, that does not mean that we must be happy about it. Again, acknowledging our pain is part of healing. If we are not careful, we can spiritually bypass ourselves by not acknowleding the pain. For example, “This is painful, but God works all things together for good.” There is some truth to this; however, when we say “but,” we negate the first part of the statement. We forgo the acknoweldgement of our pain. However, we can both acknowledge our pain while also knowing God will produce good from it. To ensure we do not spiritually bypass ourselves, we can say “This is painful, AND God will work this together for his good.” The AND makes a difference. It allows us to hold two truths rather than negate one for the other.

 When we find space for both our pain and God’s goodness, we quit fighting our reality. This, in turn, provides us more energy to acknowledge and overcome our pain so we may experience the hope we have in Christ. We, then, can say with earnest, “Taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8).

Final Thoughts

We will experience the pain of rejection at some point. Our humanity ensures it. However, the pain does not have to be the end of the story. When we recognize that our worth and value are not tied to someone’s rejection of us, and we give ourselves space to feel and heal, then we provide ourselves an opportunity to trust God to redeem these painful moments while also holding two truths. In these moments, we can know “Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; the will run and not grow weary” (Isaiah 40:31).

Challenge Questions

1)        Think of a time you have been rejected. Did you have tools to overcome what happened? If so, what were they?

2)        If you are currently in a situation where rejection is present, how can the steps above shift the situation, your thinking, or your response to it?

3)        Practice writing AND statements for working through your pain. For example: “I am hurt AND I can do hard things” or “I am hurt AND God will see me through this.”