How to Overcome “Gratitude Guilt” During the Not-So-Happy Holidays
It is supposed to be the “most wonderful time of the year.” The hustle and bustle of the season can bring joy, laughter, and an “attitude of gratitude.” But what if the holidays are not so happy, maybe they are the “worst time of the year.” For some of us loneliness, sadness, and more will be the season before us. We face these feelings amid the messages from church, friends, and family such as “be thankful for what you have,” “you can choose joy” or “count your blessings.” We may experience “gratitude guilt” as we navigate the message of the holidays and our reality. And in that tension between expectation and lived experience, we are left wondering how to embrace where we are without guilt for our authenticity.
The Not-So-Happy Holidays
It was my third year of being utterly alone during the holidays. Waking up to an empty home, no turkey, no tree, nothing to indicate it was going to be a thankful or joyful day. Previous years I did all the things to try to make the emptiness go away: gave to others, went to the holiday parties, put up the tree, etc. This year I simply couldn’t keep the pain at bay. Sermons preached thankfulness, friends wanted me to be thankful and joyful, and others simply just wanted me to “keep my chin up,” yet all I could experience was sadness, loneliness, and even resentment. Guilt seeped in as I tried and tried to practice an “attitude of gratitude,” yet this perpetuated my hurt. What I recognize now is that I was trying to be the “Good Christian” and be “thankful in all circumstances,” when I was suffering relentlessly.
What I learned from that experience is this: being thankful is not an eleventh commandment. God does not command us to be thankful or deny our trials, hurts, and pain. In fact, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed” Psalm 34:18. Unfortunately, the holidays can bring quite a “crushing” for many of us. This season can be more of a reminder of what we do not have rather than what we do. And it is okay to acknowledge that. Naming our hurt does not make us ungrateful; it simply allows us to be honest about our hearts and our humanity. It gives us permission to be real and raw about our circumstances, not feel guilty about them. And it is often in that very honest space that God draws closest.
Overcoming Gratitude Guilt
1) Accepting our reality
I tried to live up to everyone else’s expectations while denying my own experience. I tried to have the gratitude journal, calendar of thankfulness, and identify the “reason for the season.” What those tasks did was hide my pain. I do believe those elements I used to spiritually bypass myself to achieve some level joy. However, I also believe that others spiritually bypassed me unintentionally using these mantras, tasks, etc. They wanted joy for me, but they could not (maybe even would not) see the truth of my reality, my suffering. Unfortunately, this only prolonged my pain.
What I recognize now is that I do not need someone else to accept my pain before I can. I can acknowledge that for myself, and so can you. God tells us, “Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). He provides us permission and a safe space to experience our pain. We all need safe spaces to be authentic. We can both be sad and experience joy at the same time. We do not need to deny our sadness to embrace joy. We can have them both.
When we allow ourselves to accept where we are, we no longer carry the expectations of others, or maybe even ourselves, for how should feel or be. We can release guilt or shame and trust the process of healing, even during the holiday season. It is through this act, we actually have an opportunity to authentically experience joy.
2) Boundaries
What is a holiday season without some boundaries? We need boundaries, and we do not have to feel guilty for setting them. We can set boundaries with messages of merriment from others without being rude or the “Grinch.” We can simply convey what we need or what we will or will not accept.
I mentioned earlier about spiritually bypassing myself, but also receiving that from others. Spiritual bypass can breach our boundaries. We do have a voice and a choice to let others know what we need rather than accept what they think we need. It is okay to tell someone who is proclaiming thankfulness or joy to us, “I appreciate what you want for me. I am hurting today and I need space for that.” If scripture is being used toward us in a harmful way such as “God tells us to ‘Give thanks in whatever happens’” (1 Thess. 5:18), we are allowed to set a boundary. This is not being disrespectful; this is stating your need: “I recognize that you can receive that. I also recognize God can accept my pain.” Inasmuch as other people use their voice, so you can use yours.
A caveat to this is safety. Sometimes we are in unsafe spaces and setting boundaries can lead to upheavals. We can determine if we want to set a boundary in those spaces or “pick our battles.” Additionally, we may choose to minimize our time in those spaces and remove ourselves as needed.
3) Surrender
Sometimes the guilt and shame fall harder on us because hold tightly to our pain. Maybe we feel we deserve it, or we have lived so long in it, we do not know how to let it go. However, to experience healing from our hurt, surrender is necessary.
David authentically states, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Psalm 56:8). God does not guilt us for our pain or dismiss our pain. He holds our tears. He longs for us to experience a joyful life full of His presence; yet, life interrupts this because we have trouble, pain, and strife in this very fallen world. He is not mad or disappointed with our pain. He welcomes us to come to him with it all.
To experience something different from our pain, though, we may need to do something different such as surrender. Paul reminds us that we can “cast all your anxiety on him [Jesus] because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). I do believe that not only can we cast our anxiety on Jesus, but also our sadness, fear, resentment, and all other pain because he cares for us. He is not ashamed of our pain. He created emotions! But he longs for us to release those back to him so he can heal our wounded spaces.
As we experience healing for those wounds, we feel less guilty because we recognize our feelings are a part of who God created us to be. We can be authentic, state our needs, and receive the peace God calls us to expeirence. We can be free from expectations of others and maybe even what we place upon ourselves.
Final Thoughts
We do not have to carry “gratitude guilt.” We can accept the reality of our circumstances and set boundaries when we feel pressured to be something we are not. Furthermore, we can make movement toward joy, thankfulness, and hope as we surrender our pain to the One who can bear it. We can rest in knowing He allows space for our pain, and “He heals the brokenhearted and binds their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
Challenge Questions:
1) Are you experiencing “gratitude guilt”? If so, write permissions to yourself to release that guilt. (Ex. I give myself permission to be sad)
2) Is there pain you are experiencing? Have you acknowledged it? Write it down and give yourself space to acknowledge it.
3) What do you believe you need to practice to overcome “gratitude guilt” you may be carrying?