When the Holidays Hurt: Three Ways to Handle Holiday Hurts
Trees are up, inflatables everywhere, and enough Santa Clauses to go around. There is no doubt the holiday season is upon us. However, even with all things aglow, some of us are facing this holiday season differently. This does not make us Grinches or Scrooges; It makes us human. Even though the reality of our circumstances cannot be denied, we can find a way to handle our holiday hurts with compassion through this season.
Holiday Hurts
The holidays do not hurt in one universal way. Each person brings their own story, losses, and vulnerabilities into this season. However, while the expressions of pain are diverse, certain hurts tend to rise to the surface again and again. Below are three of the most common ways the holidays can be particularly hurtful.
For some of us this holiday season feels suffocating as an expectation of joy and merriness falls. Songs, sermons, and social media often suggest that happiness not only is possible but also required. However, when joy feels distant, many begin to experience shame because joy is not present. Yet the absence of joy is not ingratitude or wrong—it is often a signal that something tender within us needs care and compassion, not correction.
For others of us broken relationships and loneliness provide us hurt for the holidays. Relational ruptures and unsafe environments keep us from possibly engaging family, church, or friendship gatherings. Choosing boundaries over togetherness is necessary to protect our safety of mind, body, and soul, but also this may result in feelings of isolation, depression, and resentment.
Lastly, unmet expectations can keep us bound in the hurt of the holidays. A mirage of feelings may accompany unmet expectations: grief, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, etc. These feelings are not a reflection of cynicism; rather, they are natural responses to disappointment and the dissonance between what should be and what is.
Again, there is no conclusive list of hurts, but what we do know is that the holidays can leave us hurting rather than hopeful. While no one wants this for themselves or those they care about, sometimes it is the reality of our circumstances. These moments are not magically going to disappear, but there is a way to handle holiday hurts that allows us to endure the season with honesty, care, and resilience.
Navigating Holiday Hurts
The holidays can be holy and hard at the same time. We do not need to deny one to have the other. We can hold space for them both. However, to navigate the hard, here are three options for us to handle the holiday season.
1) Permission
Whether the pressure to be joyous during this season is internal or external, we can release that pressure by accepting the truth of our experience. Honesty allows us to name what is true without spiritualizing our pain or spiritually bypassing ourselves. Accepting our pain is not a failure of faith; it is self-compassion.
When we allow ourselves this opportunity to acknowledge our hurt, we give space for God to meet us in our pain. He knows our every soul wound, and he does not require festive faith for him to draw near to us (Psalm 34:18). He gives us space to grieve those wounds. Through his presence in our pain, we can experience the peace of the season.
2) Boundaries
Accepting what we can and cannot tolerate is important. If we try to go to every party, be joyful to the expectations of others, or strive to meet all seasonal demands, we risk overriding our own needs and exacerbating our pain. In turn, we lose connection not only with others, but also with ourselves.
Therefore, we need to attune to our true selves and identify what boundaries we need. Maybe we set boundaries to attend only a couple of parties rather than all of them. Or we attend them, but we minimize the time we are at them. We also may need to set boundaries with family, friends, etc. and the joy they expect from us. This can come from having direct conversations with them of what they can expect from you or setting boundaries such as “I appreciate you wanting me to experience ________. This is where I am right now. Please honor that.” This is not being rude. Even God accepts our weariness and provides us rest (Matthew 11:28-30). This is simply being true to where we are and what we need.
3) Adjusting
Expectations of ourselves or others can be ladened with “shoulds” of the season intensifying feelings of shame, guilt, and grief. It is natural to experience some expectations of the holiday season; however, problems arise when those expectations ignore our authenticity, current reality, or personal circumstances. When this happens, we may find ourselves pushing past our limits or dismissing our own needs to meet unrealistic expectations.
However, adjusting expectations allows us to approach the season with greater honesty and compassion, making space to engage in ways that feel sustainable. Adjusting expectations may require some grieving and reflection as we acknowledge what we can and cannot bear this holiday season. Additionally, this allows us to also see what we can or cannot expect of others. For instance, if we have unhealthy family and friends, we cannot expect healthy responses from unhealthy people. As we adjust expectations, we can trust that God can meet us in this season as it truly is, not as we wish it to be (Hebrews 4:16).
Final Thoughts
The Christmas story itself holds hurt and uncertainty alongside promise and light. When holidays hurt, we stand in good company. God is found not only in the celebration, but also in the pain. His presence is not determined by our level of cheerfulness, but by his faithfulness. He is Emmanual, God with us. He is with us as we give ourselves permission for our truth and circumstances, as we set boundaries, and adjust expectations. No matter if we are celebrating or hurting, “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and protection” (Psalm 91:4).