“Haven’t I Suffered Enough?”: How to Help Ourselves and Others Endure Suffering
She wept fiercely. She had endured one tragedy after another, and she simply was done with suffering. She asked poignant questions, “Didn’t I suffer enough last time? Did I not do it right and that is why God is having me suffer again?” Looking into her eyes as soul-filled tears dropped, I did not have an answer for her suffering. All I could do was bear witness to her pain.
In these moments of rawness, I understood her need for those answers. Maybe we all do. Maybe we all have asked “Haven’t I suffered enough?”
Suffering
Books, philosophical courses, songs, and more have been written about the role of suffering in our lives. The goal of this blog is not even to attempt in minimal words to speak to its role. However, I do want to explore some concepts about suffering that may help us to endure it when it comes.
Within Scripture, several words are used in the Hebrew and Greek to describe suffering. To list them all would take the entirety of this blog! And most of the words describe our view of suffering today. However, there are two words that captured my attention as I studied the concept of suffering.
First, in Hebrew the word nasa or nasah meaning “to lift, carry” gave me pause. It is often used within the Book of Daniel. It relates to the bearing of burdens whether emotional, physical, or spiritual. This was not on my radar for the meaning of suffering. However, it is used in reference to Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego who were thrown in the fiery incinerator because they remained loyal to God. And they were lifted and carried through the fire protected on all sides.
Secondly, another word that captured my attention was within the Greek text. The word συνοχή (sunoche) means “something held together in close tension.” We observe this in 2 Corinthians 2 as Paul conveys the grief and trouble that once consumed him through the acts of another man. Yet, he endured and continued his call even through this “hard tension.”
These words are reminders that our suffering is not equal to our sanctification. How holy we are does not determine our level of suffering. The people previously mentioned were some of the holiest of men and, yet, they suffered. We will face fiery furnaces, lions’ dens, and people who want to cause us pain because we live in a fallen world. While chaos may consume us, or those we love and support, we can endure suffering knowing there is another in the fire with us.
Enduring Suffering
As I noted previously, maybe we have all cried out, “Haven’t I suffered enough?” We want the pain to end. However, whether it is us or someone else suffering, there are ways we can navigate a season of suffering.
1) Validation
When I was hearing the tragedies of the person before me, I was committing my words, mind, and heart back to God. I so desperately wanted to provide her some reprieve from her pain. I wanted to have a magic answer for her so she didn’t have to suffer. But that was more about me than her. While listening, my heart was praying 1 Peter 4:11 “If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God.”
I silently prayed that if I was meant to say anything, it would only be what God would have me say. In these moments of her rawness, the only thing that felt right was, “This sucks.” No scripture, no “God is good” statements were going to bring back what she had lost or would lessen the intensity of her suffering. However, what she could receive in that moment was validation for the harshness of her reality. God knew that was what she needed.
Like others we help, we too need validation. Our pain is real. When others try to “fix” it, we face even more heartache resulting in us feeling dismissed, unheard, and without support. However, not all validation needs to come from others. We can validate our own pain and accept the reality of what we are experiencing. David did it throughout the Psalms, while remaining loyal to God. Our validation of our pain does not negate our faith; in fact, it makes it stronger.
2) Bearing Witness
When we sit with someone’s suffering, we communicate “I care, I am present with you.” We allow the other person to know that their emotions and tears are okay. We allow them space to release their hurt without judgment or a three point checklist to “fix” it. We allow them to experience their pain without pounding them with scripture, religious tenants, etc. We are simply there. Curt Thompson labels this as “withness.” An ability to be with someone in their pain without the attempt to remedy it. Jesus is clear in John 16:33, “In this world you will have trouble…” There is no denying this. However, he offers a reprieve from that trouble.
Within our own pain, we may often seek someone to be with us in it. Not fix it, not give all the advice, but simply to sit with us as we soak our soul in our tears. It is in these moments we can attune to others and ourselves. We give ourselves the space to know our own needs and/or the needs of others. It is here we can receive the rest of John 16:33, “I have overcome the world.”
3) Challenging negative thoughts/ Proving helpful insight
In our suffering we may long to seek justice or spew deserved words at someone; however, this most likely will be unhelpful and may prolong our suffering. When we or someone else is in this place, we do need to help challenge the thinking driving this.
Whether is our own thoughts or others’ thoughts, evaluating what we are thinking or wanting to do may lead to better outcomes. As previously noted, we want to offer sound wisdom in a way in which others may receive it. First, validate the pain, then offer some insight. For instance, someone may want to march right over to something and smash it. Our first statement may be more out fear, “You don’t want to do that! Think of all the cuts you will get!” How did your body respond to the that statement? It may have felt dismissive or made us even angrier. However, when we respond with peace and calm to another’s pain, we allow them to experience a little peace and calm themselves. Sometimes we may need to loan others some of our peace, calm, and hope until they develop their own. We also may need this from others.
Additionally, as believers, we need to filter the advice and thoughts through the lens of Scripture and the Holy Spirit. James 1:5 states, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you.” Therefore, whether we are receiving the insight or giving it, we need to align with the character of Christ. If we receive or give advice that does not do this, we may prolong our own or others’ suffering.
4) Accepting the Suffering
This last one is a hard one to write. No one wants to sit in the suffering. None of us desires another tear-stained pillow or tumultuous night of tosses and turns. Yet, for some of us, this is where we are.
However, to accept our suffering does not mean we are passive in our pain. It means we are not denying our circumstances through spiritual bypass (I.e. I am suffering, but God is good) or accepting spiritual bypass from others (i.e. You are suffering, but God is going to use this to his glory). Instead, we accept our own reality or help others to navigate the reality of their own circumstances. In doing so, we hold space for two truths: My pain is real, and my God will make a way.
We are providing truth while also providing hope through the suffering. Again, to have faith, hope, and love does not mean we must have an absence of suffering. These are ours to have no matter the conditions in which we sit. However, regardless of who is suffering, learning to accept faith, hope and love as our lifelines is a critical element to making it through the suffering before us (1 Peter 5:10).
Final Thoughts
Haven’t we all suffered enough? Isn’t one moment of suffering enough for a lifetime? Yet, here we are in our own suffering or helping others navigate many moments of suffering. Sometimes God gives us the reasons, if even a glimpse, for the suffering today, and sometimes, we may not know its purpose until we are at the feet of Jesus.
Regardless, we can know that we have the power to endure the suffering through validation, bearing witness, challenging negative thoughts, and accepting where we are. While this is not an easy journey we walk or help others to traverse, like David we can cry out “From the depths of despair, O Lord, I call for your help” and know God pays attention to our call (Psalm 130:1).