Soul Cravings Series: Bears and Boundaries
Bears and Boundaries
Boundaries were not an option for me growing up. My mom, due to her own trauma, would disconnect from me if I set them. This may look like being thirteen and her not talking to me for three days. As an adult, it was threats of forcing me to leave her home. I learned to cater to her to remain connected. Because learned catering, breaking down, or disconnecting from people as boundaries, I carried this into my friendships, relationships, and churchships.
Healthy boundaries help us to see where we end and someone else begins. It provides us ownership of our actions, thoughts, and feelings as well as provides ownership for others’ actions, thoughts, and feelings. To further understand boundaries, I will defer to the Three Little Bears. If you recall, Goldilocks tried the porridge, chairs, and beds of the bears. And all were “too” something: hot, cold, soft, hard, etc. until she found what she needed, and it was “just right.” The same can be said of boundaries with a little shift in language. They can be too small, too big, and just right.
Types of Boundaries
Boundaries can be hard to conceptualize. The illustration above may provide some concreteness to the concepts. First, boundaries can be too small. We may have some non-negotiable boundaries such as not tolerating physical abuse or people lying to us, but anything else is optional. With too small of boundaries, we often give, give, and give of ourselves until we have nothing left as well as we may take, take, and take what others hurl our way. We become responsible for other people’s actions and feelings while dismissing our own out of fear of how the other person may react or if they may leave us. Too small of boundaries will often lead to resentment, bitterness, and lack of self-care.
Where some people have too small of boundaries, some people may have too big of boundaries. When we exercise too big of boundaries, we keep everyone out, we trust no one, and build walls around us to protect ourselves from any hurt. In doing so, we lessen our chances for closeness, intimacy, and vulnerability. While we may appear as though we need no one, too big of boundaries may result in loneliness and isolation because we lack the connection our souls crave.
Both too small and too big of boundaries illicit us to be reactionaries. We do not respond; rather, we react to another person’s behaviors, thoughts or feelings because other people’s lives, behaviors, and feelings set the course of our day. Therefore, we spend much of our time reacting to whatever it is they bring into our lives. We do not leave space for own feelings and thoughts because we remain in the loop of other people’s crises and, often, rescuing them from their consequences.
Unlike the other two boundaries, “just right” boundaries are the middle ground. They allow us to be responsible for ourselves while allowing others to be responsible for themselves. We can take ownership of our feelings, thoughts, and actions and allow others to do the same. Rather than be reactionaries, we can ask ourselves instead, “What is my respond-ability? Where do I have ownership in this situation?” We allow ourselves the space to detach from the situation or person returning responsibility to the other person for his or her own behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. Melody Beattie (2022) observes, “Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy.” We separate ourselves from their chaos allowing them to feel their consequences and for us to feel ours.
Now, outside of the Three Little Bears, there is one more set of boundaries for which we need to be aware: Bendable boundaries.
Bendable Boundaries
What do you notice about the boundaries surrounding the figure? These boundaries are beginning to cave in leaving little room for the figure. These bendable boundaries were once firm boundaries, but others have pushed our boundaries until we have succumbed to the pressure of the push giving in or up on our boundary. Our boundaries no longer hold in place, and others have learned that if they push hard enough, we will loosen our firm boundary. Eventually, these boundaries will turn into “too small” of boundaries resulting in bitterness or anger toward the person or relationship.
Learning to set appropriate boundaries can be a challenging task. Many of us may have grown up only knowing the extremes of boundaries (too small or too big), and we do not know what appropriate boundaries even look like. For others of us, the challenge does not come in setting the boundary, but in the risk of losing a relationship because of setting firm boundaries. Maybe these tips will help you in setting appropriate boundaries and resolving the challenges that may arise in doing so.
Setting Boundaries
1) Identifying the boundaries
Our bodies are story tellers. We have felt the lock of our jaw, tightness in our chest, or heat rising in us when someone has said or done something that did not feel right. This is a sign of a possible boundary violation. But if we do not know what our boundaries are, how can we correct the violation?
To identify boundaries, make a list of things you notice may bother you or make you feel uncomfortable. This is more than “I do not like it when you breathe.” It is the person who talks while you are trying to work, or a family member who gives unsolicited advice. Simply notice those feelings and jot them down. Then work towards practicing the boundaries needed.
2) Practice setting small boundaries
Setting boundaries is like exercising muscles. If we go too hard too fast, we risk hurting ourselves and possibly others. Therefore, practicing smaller boundaries will allow us to build up to setting firmer and more necessary boundaries as we gain the strength and courage to do so.
For instance, a small boundary may be asking family to put clothes in the laundry basket. If they choose not to, they choose not to have their clothes washed, and they will have to wash their own clothes or wait until the next time we wash clothes. This is a small boundary with little risk. We can set it, notice how we feel, and others react. We can adjust our boundaries as needed for ourselves, but not dependent on another’s reactions; however, whatever boundaries we chose, we need to be consistent and firm with the boundaries we do set or we wind up with bendable boundaries.
3) Commitment
When we begin setting boundaries, we may notice that people grumble and want to know why we are being mean. Remember: those who benefitted from us having no boundaries will be angriest about us setting them. We are not being mean or unChrist-like when we set boundaries. In fact, Jesus set boundaries.
Jesus often withdrew from crowds when he needed rest (Luke 5:16), rebuked the religious leaders (Matthew 21:23-27; 22:15-22), protected his children (Mark 9:42-50), and gave us instruction for living (John 3:16; John 14:15). The list could go on and on. There was commitment to us and to the mission for which he had been called. He was not selfish or mean. He was actually being loving in setting boundaries. However, one consideration is we are not responsible for how the other person receives our boundary; we are only responsible for how we set our boundaries. Therefore, we do not want to be unChrist-like in how we set them.
Our boundaries are sometimes the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and for others. Letting others feel the impact of their actions may draw them closer to Christ rather than us. When we rescue, when we allow their crises to be ours, we are often taking on a role that only Christ was meant to fulfill.
In committing to our boundaries, we give space for ourselves and others. We allow them to be responsible for themselves and for God to do what only he can in and through them. And we allow ourselves to experience the hope and love of God through healthy relationships.
Word of Caution
Boundaries are beautiful and necessary. However, we need to be mindful of our safety. If you are in a toxic relationship and you begin setting boundaries, the backlash could be detrimental. Therefore, you will need to have a safety plan in place for you and anyone else who may feel the impact (i.e. children). However, your boundary may be to leave the relationship. Regardless of what it is, be sure to keep yourself safe.
Another caution is the risk involved in setting boundaries. Lysa Terkeurst in her podcast Therapy and Theology states, “When you set a boundary, you’re changing the contract. You do risk losing the relationship. But it is a loss of an unhealthy relationship.” The contract of the relationship in which we entered was set on unhealthiness. When we begin our journey of healthiness and set boundaries, we shift the contract under which we entered. We have to decide if we are willing to risk the relationship. If we are not, we then need to assess what that means for us and our boundaries.
Final Thoughts
Boundaries are healthy, Christ-like, and beneficial. Setting boundaries gives us and others space to know where we, and they, end and begin. While setting boundaries can be difficult, we can practice setting them in small, manageable ways that allow for healthy outcomes. As we practice setting boundaries, we have the opportunity to experience the life God calls us to: life to the fullest (John 10:10).