Reconciliation not Required: How to Honor God without Reconciling with Someone
I struggled. I entered the environment so desperate to flee the moment I entered. I knew I was going to encounter people that I did not want to face because of the pain they caused me. I knew I was going to have to smile and and pretend to be chummy with others that I had no desire to be friends with. I felt shame, guilt, anger, and frustration all while smiling and going through the motions of Sunday morning church. However, one morning that shifted.
Permission to not be Friends
I had struggled so much with being hurt by those in the church and yet trying to be friends with them because that was what I was supposed to do, right? However, this pressure was almost impossible to endure. I would find myself dissociating and barely making it through church. One morning while vaguely listening to the pastor’s message, God provided a reprieve, “You do not have to be friends with them; however, you do honor me in how you treat them.”
Oh my goodness! Just that first part gave me permission to breathe! I did not have to pretend anymore. I did not have to act as though I was okay with them or that I wanted to have them in my life. I could simply be. This allowed me to be more present in church and own my freedom of choosing to not be their friends. I was able to embrace that my safety, my needs were important, and God was honoring that.
Through this clarity, God healed my broken heart and bound up my wounds (Psalm 147:3). He allowed me to know that he was with me in my pain and was present by my side giving me strength (2 Timothy 4:17). However, God did give me a command with this reprieve.
Honoring God
The Church often promotes forgiving and reconciliation with others. While forgiving is a part of God’s decree for all his children, it is not always as the Church shows: ending with reconciliation.
Reconciliation is defined as “the act of causing two people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement.” While this is optimal, it is not always achievable. Everette Worthington, a profound researcher of forgiveness and reconcilation, observes, “Reconciliation is restoring trust in a relationship in which trust has been damaged. Reconciliation requires both people to be trustworthy.” Reconciliation does require two people to do the work of being trustworthy. When one is not willing to do so, then reconciliation is not possible.
Romans 12:16 states, “ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” “Living at peace” is dependent on us. We can live at peace with ourselves and others when God is our strength for doing so. However, sometimes individuals do not want to reconcile, nor is it safe or healthy for them to reconcile. Yet, we can still forgive and live in peace without reconciliation while still honoring God.
Therefore, friendship/relationship may not be required, but honoring God is. While we may not be in relationship with someone or want that person in our lives, we are called to still be Christ-like. Below are a few ways in which we can still honor God while not being in relationship with others.
1) Allow God to heal our hurts
God will not take from us what we will not willingly give him. We must be ready to let go of our pain, our anger, our need for justice. In doing so, we allow God to heal those very wounded spaces. This frees us to love in Christ and be at peace with those who have hurt us while also setting boundaries and/or living without relationship with another person.
Romans 12:10 tells us, “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” However, verse 9 also states, “Love must be sincere.” Again, we can let God heal our soul wounds while also recognizing that another person’s love (or maybe our own toward someone) is not sincere, and reconciliation is not what is best for us.
2) Remain committed to being Christ-like
As I mentioned, the Church often wants us to forgive and reconcile with each other. However, living in harmony is not always possible. Paul and Barnabas are a testament to that.
In Acts 15:36-40, a “sharp dispute” arose between Paul and Barnabas. It was a big enough dispute that they went their separate ways. And there is neither evidence that they did or did not reconcile their relationship. However, there is evidence that they did not allow the division to be a disparity to their ultimate call: to share the redemption, hope, and love of Christ. They did not demean or speak ill of one another. They remained in Christ-likeness as they exhibited the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and lived out the love of Christ to others.
3) Know God’s truths
Scripture is the source of truth within Christianity to promote forgiveness, living at peace, bearing each other’s burdens, and reconciling. However, we must also be faithful in understanding those scriptures for ourselves. We would be wise to seek wisdom from the Holy Spirit, assess/evaluate God’s truths, and apply those truths according to God’s will.
For instance, we are called to forgive. There is no denying that. John 20:23, Matthew 6:12, 2 Corinthians 2:10, Ephesians 4:32, and the list could go on and on convey the message of forgiveness. However, often Ephesians 4:26 is quoted as the way of forgiving, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, do not give the devil a foothold.” Again, forgiveness is required, but there is no timeline. When we have been wronged, and depending on the type of wrong, it may be a hot minute before we can forgive. Additionally, forgiveness may be a minute by minute, day by day event until forgiveness settles into our soul. But God honors that work. He honors the grieving we need to do sometimes to reach a place of forgiveness. Additionally, reconciliation is not required for forgiveness to occur, and forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation. And that is okay.
Again, as we seek to know God’s truths for ourselves, asking God’s wisdom and allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to us is necessary. We are called first to obedience in Christ. Sometimes God does call us to reconcile when it does not make sense to do so. And we may wrestle with that. However, God will supply that truth and strength we need in a way that we can receive it.
Final Thoughts
Not all relationships are meant to be reconciled. However, through allowing God to heal our wounds, walking in Christ, and knowing God’s truths for ourselves, we can still honor God in how we treat each other whether we are reconciled or not. We can praise our Father as we seek first his kingdom and righteousness in our lives (Matthew 6:33).