Bearing Witness: How to Sit with Others in their Pain
As I hear about more children and families lost in the flood in Texas, as I wrestle with knowing of another child diagnosed with cancer, as I sit with those navigating some of their darkest days, I sometimes feel helpless. I can only imagine the pain of some while I am watching the pain of others, and I know that no words I say are going to “fix” their situation or make their pain less. Like me, maybe you are navigating this as well and wondering, “Then what I am supposed to say or do?” Sometimes we are called just to be present.
Bearing Witness
I cannot count how many times I heard this after my dad died, “He’s in a better place,” “He is healed and with Jesus,” “God needed another angel.” I do not remember much, but I do remember thinking, “I don’t care. I want my daddy.” These were not helpful words. As a therapist today, I recognize that in the awkwardness of pain, people often will say something to lessen their own pain and awkwardness, their unease, not realizing that it is not really lessening the pain for the other person experiencing the suffering.
What I needed then, and what many people need today, is not someone to offer a platitude or spiritual quip (which might even be unbiblical), but to bear witness to their pain. Curt Thompson observes, “Not only will [we] learn what it means to tolerate suffering, but through the formation of hope we will learn what it means to be transformed by it while bearing witness to how our suffering itself is redeemed.” That is what it is to bear witness to other’s pain. We sit with them in their tears, their anguish, their deep groans and allow hope to form. We do not try to fix it, we do not offer words to ease our own feeling awkwardness; we simply sit and intercede on their behalf. This is a difficult task, but one that can bring peace and hope for another.
How to Sit with someone in their Pain
1) Recognize what is happening inside of you
It is hard to watch someone endure pain. It Is deafening to hear the cries of another that we love and care about it. And, it is heart wrenching that there may be nothing we can do. Yet, we try to do or say something because we do not like what is happening inside of us as we watch another suffer. That is what we need to notice: the turning and tenseness inside of us.
Instead of speaking out of our own discomfort, we would be wise to keep whatever words we do have simple and follow Ephesians 6:18, “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” We may be called to speak into that person’s pain, but we also may be called to be silent. While we may not be speaking directlyt to those suffering, we can intercede on their behalf through prayer knowing God hears us. This will keep us from saying something harmful or fruitless.
2) Prayer for God’s guidance
When I am sitting with others in their very raw pain, I am praying 1 Peter 4:11a “If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God.” This keeps me in check. It allows the Holy Spirit to lead my words, it helps me to know when to speak and when to remain silent. I have sat with people for a whole hour and barely uttered a word. My words were not what they needed. They simply needed to know someone could handle their pain.
All of us can release our need to “fix” the pain of another by trusting God to do what only he can. The second portion of 1 Peter 4:11 states, “If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.” Whether it is in word or deed, we are to commit that word or deed to God allowing him to lead us in helping others. When we do so, we minimize unintentionally perpetuating another’s pain as well as allow God to be known, even in another’s suffering.
3) Ask for what is needed
Because most of us have experienced suffering at some point, we do understand the toll of suffering. However, this does not mean we know how the other person is experiencing their pain or what they need. We do not need to make assumptions but rather ask what is needed.
When we ask for what is needed, the person may or may not be able to communicate the need in those moments. Pain hi-jacks our brain, and we really may not know in the moment of being asked what is needed. Yet, the ask allows the other person to know that their pain is heard and important.
However, because the other person may not always know what is needed because of the intensity of the moment, we can trust God to guide us. We know that we are called to share one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). Sometimes if we see a need, we simply meet that need. For instance, Dr. Norman Wright, who faced unsurmountable grief and suffering, once stated, “No one needs another casserole. But they might need toilet paper and paper towels.” That has stuck with me! What is something practical that I can do to help another person? Sometimes mowing the lawn, picking up paper goods, walking the dog, etc. bears witness to another’s pain while also meeting a need. And never a word may be uttered.
Final Thoughts
It is never easy to watch someone suffer. We often desire to shield another person from their suffering. We may do so with words or deeds thinking we are helping, when we may actually be perpetuating the pain. To ensure we do not do this, we would be wise to know what is happening inside of us, pray for God’s guidance, and allow those we are trying to help speak to what they believe they need. This will allow those suffering and those helping to “draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings” (Hebrews10:22).
Challenge Questions:
1) How can you intercede for someone today?
2) In what ways can you draw near to God and rest in the full assurance of faith for yourself and others?