Be a Lover, not a Biter: Three Ways to Love Well
Our world is full of bite marks. We see this in the news, on social media, and even when we stare in the mirror. We see the marks that have resulted in broken relationships, jobs, and more. And if we are honest, we have not only been bitten—we have bitten in return. We have reacted from our own pain, defended ourselves with sharp edges, or wounded others while trying to protect ourselves. However, while this world makes us capable of hurting one another, God makes us capable of loving one another.
Biters
I know I have said this, and maybe you have too, “I would never do that!” This statement is often reverberated when we recount a wrong done to us. Yet, I have done the very things I said I would not, the very things I know will hurt. I have said hateful things or done something to get back at another person. I have argued and spewed anger because I thought that was the way to win. I have been a “biter.” Maybe we all have.
Anyone is capable of being a biter. Why? Because we are all human prone to sinning. Romans 3:23 reminds us, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” We would be wise to remember “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought…and with sober judgment” (Romans 12:3). We may have wanted revenge for the pain caused us or wanted others to know the truth of whatever grievance we are facing. Yet, we face a crossroads: bite or not to bite.
Galatians 5:15 is clear, “If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” We may all be capable of biting one another, but how do we stop the biting? The answer is supplied in verse 13-14:
“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (italics mine)
Love is the answer. We give love as a response rather than “indulge the flesh” in our bitterness, anger or hurt. To better understand loving one another, understanding how to love well is necessary.
Loving Well
Loving others is a command. However, we can love well and safely while honoring Christ. Below are ways to give and receive love in a healthy and Christ-like way so as to lessen the chance of biting or being bitten.
1) Love and forgiveness
When we have been hurt, it is very hard to love the one that hurt us. And that is normal. To abide by God’s command to love one another, we sometimes have to work toward forgiveness first.
Forgiveness is another command that we are not going to get around. We are called to forgive as Christ has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13). However, forgiveness is not an overnight achievement. It takes time. Often for us to work toward forgiveness, we must first grieve what we have lost (i.e. trust, a relationship, etc.). Then we can travel the path of forgiveness. And God honors our movement. In each of our steps, we are allowing for more love to come to the surface so that we may love those who have hurt us.
2) Love without access
Although some people will be remorseful and change their behaviors, other will not. Some biters just like to bite. We can still love them without giving them access to us. This may come through setting boundaries or simply cutting off ties with others who are not remorseful and have no desire to change.
Choosing to keep ourselves safe is not a sin either. When others are unwilling to change so that they do not harm another, we must consider our safety. One of the most relieving moments God provided me after a season of being bitten was in church. I saw people who had hurt me appear to be living their best life. I was fighting endless (and pointless) battles in my head for how to exact my revenge. In the middle of the service, God gently whispered, “You do not have to like them, but do have to honor me in how you treat them.” That was my missing piece. I was equating love with having to re-engage them, and I simply could not do it. However, with this permission, I could distance myself, not be their friends, and when an encounter did occur, treat them in a way that honored God. It was still loving, just without giving them access to me.
3) Love and wisdom
Proverbs 4:7 is clear, “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Thought it cost all you have, get understanding.” This may seem odd for love, but sometimes we must assess how we are loving. Are we loving well? Are we exhibiting the fruits of the spirit? Are we modeling Christ in our love? Is what we are receiving doing this also?
Sometimes, due to our wounds, we may need to seek wisdom to ensure what we are experiencing or doing is in alignment with the word of Christ and his character or it isn’t. Additionally, seeking wisdom allows us a layer of safety so we can know how to pursue or address individuals in love.
Final Thoughts
Galatians 5:15 is clear that biting can lead to devouring and destroying each other. If we want a different outcome than this, then loving one another is the answer. We can love and still be in the process of forgiveness as well as love others without giving them access to us. Moreover, love and wisdom are companions that guide us to love as Christ loves us. When we love well, we exhibit and know a love that “always protects, always trust, always hopes, and always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:7).